What is going on in this world? I feel like lately I have been one step behind everyone.
The month didn't exactly start out ideal with my first chiropractor appointment I began the weekend really sore. I got the opportunity to head to Eugene for the evening to catch up with some friends I met while studying abroad over the summer in Argentina. I was so excited to see them for the night then head back home to Monmouth to get homework done. Now that I look back I can't even remember what I would have been working on but it sure is irrelevant now. Late Friday night our ride down left to go to another friends' house and I stayed at the first friend's house where we were supposed to stay the night. A second friend we drove down with left to go to a bar with one of her friends in the area. That left me and the final girl we drove down with. There were so many people in the location we decided to stay in and I was tired so I decided to bring her to my mom's and feel more comfortable for the night than staying in an unfamiliar place. So glad I stayed at my mom's because as I was getting ready to head to school, my world unraveled.
Jim had called me from upstairs suggesting I check on mom. Her breathing was really slowed but with the sounds of snores still coming from her I assumed she was still sleeping. When nothing we did would wake her up and her whole body was limp, we decided to call 911. Within a few hours they told us that she had overdosed on Valium and there was so much in her system keeping her sedated she needed to have a respirator put in. The next time I saw her I could barely stand because seeing someone on life support is unimaginable and not something I enjoyed.
The next few days were awful of waiting around, tears, confusion, and anger all in the air. There was hardly a time when I wasn't updating facebook, making phone calls, or sending out mass prayer texts. My mom, the one person I expected to be my foundation and only person who loved me more than anything had tried to take her own life. Once she finally awoke, she was placed on suicide watch and within a few days moved to the psychiatric unit, this place not being new to our family. She went through classes, daily counseling and doctors appointments to understand what had happened and where to go from this low point.
It would be easy to say, even a blessing, if my mom had gotten better over night. Over this last month I have learned more about my mom than I knew in my whole life from my grandma and aunt telling me they weren't surprised this happened. My mother has had a life altering wake up call experience and her ground shaken down to the roots. People have said that she needs to figure out what went wrong down to the roots of her childhood. No one can find the answers except for her. She has to make the decision to dig deep and search out answers in order for some change to happen. God can guide her and hold her hand but she will only be moved if she wants to. If she makes the conscious choice of voicing a desire for change. Does my mom want to change? I can only hope.
For me, life is never going to be the same and the trust I had between my mom and I is to the point of seams and the grace and forgiveness of Jesus holding us together. I don't know what it is that I can do to help my mom or myself. There is nothing I can say that will make the situation better or go away. I can tell my mom I love her and I do but I don't really like her right now. There is nothing in me holding back from having an in my face fear of her succeeding at this again. Knowing that my mom wanted to hide her pain from me is an understatement of life. I want to cry out to God for answers but I don't know how to hear. I want to tell the world I need a hug a day and someone to check on me but I don't have the will. I want to yell at everyone who says life is hard and thinks they have it bad because I know someone has it worse than me. I want my dad to be here to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want my sister to call me on the phone and say I love you sister and we are gonna get through this together. I want the sunshine to be present in my life and bring joy to people but I don't know how to find it.
If you're reading this, please have faith for me to know that God is holding me and taking care of the situation. I know that I am young and shouldn't be going through this and don't have to be strong or hold everyone together but I also know that I do. If I don't who will. If I don't how will people know God is bigger and is doing what I think I need to. How will people know that I'm terrified for tomorrow and don't want to face the day but that I keep going to be the strength that someday will be better than the last. God is gonna use me in some way that is so unimaginable but will bring glory to Him and that is all I can ask for.
