Abba, I love you.

Hearing the words, "Abba, Father," over and over again I can't help but think about my daddy and how much I miss him. I know God is my Father but calling him Daddy, Abba is a hard concept to grasp. It should be easier since I don't have an earthly father anymore but I know my dad loved me so much, I can't think of how anyone can love my more. A vision has been spoken over me and I'm wearing a pretty dress. I am just running at my Abba. It sounds so easy and joyful but it's so hard to believe that He is just standing there with open arms and I don't have to do anything to receive His love.

And God is funny because the next song He wants me to hear is "How He loves". Now I have wrestled with this song time and time again. God loves me. I know that but I barely believe it. My head says love is earned. It is  something that Jesus paid for us to receive FREELY! So why don't I get it? Everytime I hear this song, my heart races to feel His love. We are a tree whipping back and forth and His love is the wind all around us. Wow, Kaila. Is what I always think. He loves me so much that He died an awful death to show me. 

This used to be my favorite time of year. The holidays were a time with family to be celebrated, decorations everywhere and joy fills the air for a whole month! The December 26th comes around and it's like the worst day of the year but I still loved that Christmas spirit people carried around. Now in my family from September to December, we all find this sulk to carry around. Wanna know why? Well first we let Satan into our minds to flash flood us with sad truth of life without our loved ones. Second because everyday is a reminder of something missing. Let me just break this down for you, September 27th- Michael's birthday, September 28th- Mom and Amanda's birthday, October 12th- Michael and Amanda's wedding anniversary, October 24th- Caleb's birthday, November 6th- Logan's birthday, November 12th- Holly's birthday, November 22nd- parent's anniversary, November 29th- Dad's birthday, December 19th- anniversary of Michael's death. Did I leave anything out? This is now a new crazy time of year.

I'm not saying that I'm currently depressed or anything. Just a little saddened by the way Christmas and this time of year used to be. And not that I don't love the family I still have here because believe me, they mean the world to me, it's just hard to remember those not here anymore.

I know Jesus is my Father and wants me to call Him, Daddy, but it's hard to think about my daddy not being here. He's here in my heart but just to have a hug from him. Someday right?! We can rejoice in the fact that he's in Heaven looking down on us, cheering for the ducks, waiting for us to join him. I love you, Daddy. Can't wait to join that party up there! Thanks for reading. :]

and God's love still goes on.

Sometimes I'm good at forgetting how big our God is when problems cloud my head. Today in Jesus Calling I read about the importance of not trying to solve your problems because we just aren't capable of it. While this is true, I still fail to do so. I often think, "Woe is me" and dwell in my own self pity while forgetting that God is still there loving me and waiting for me to turn back to Him so His glory can shine through it all. Of course this transformation cannot happen overnight but I like to think that each day gets a little better than the previous day but sometimes I take three steps backwards.

Recently I've been trying to refrain from becoming stressed about everything. I know that in the end it doesn't matter what grade I got on my paper or in my class or my gpa at the end of my college education. What matters is that I was glorifying God and turning towards Him in times of stress. It also doesn't matter what last minute decisions I make about who I should spend my time with, what words of anger or love come out of my mouth, how I let people treat me, or where money to buy food and pay bills is going to come from if I am not turning towards Him. 

God has shown me time and time again that all I need is Him. Why is it so hard to learn? Why can't it just be something at the fore front of my brain every morning when I wake up and every time I'm faced with a trial. Luckily, I am able to quickly remember that I am human. If this was an easy fix, I should probably be concerned. Constantly learning a lesson in life is a good way to remember I'm human and that God is bigger and He is taking care of my life. He's got the whole world in His hands. If the earth were the size of a golf ball, well basically it is but He still cares about each of us as if there were one of us.

Update: job interview on Tuesday (God is providing finances). applying for YWAM Africa and maybe YL Camp Intern in January (God is providing for my future). fun plans for winter break (God is providing time to relax and love on me). surrounded by Women of God and Sisters in  Christ who can pray for me at the drop of a hat (God is always good). 30 days of thankful complete and I am proud to accept the challenge of doing it for the next 305 days!

Thanks for reading! May God reveal to you all the ways He blesses you constantly this Christmas season.